I don’t think I will be adding anything else to this website after today.
Maybe I’ll update the shit list, links, or music but other than that I think it’s time to let this site rest.
Maybe I’ll update the journal eventually.
That’s a long story and I’m not sure how to accurately portray it.
Basically, some friends found this site due to my carelessness and I’m not fully comfortable knowing that they know it’s me behind it.
I also think that I’ve decided to live the thought scares me more than dying.
Honestly, it’s not because I discovered the world is great and I have hope for humanity or to live a happy life.
It’s the opposite I don’t believe that I deserve the comfort of death, the relief, the release.
I deserve to be punished and I believe that living is a cruel punishment I need to suffer and that stops if I die.
So, the world’s got to deal with my presence until some force besides my own takes me out.
I’ll still think about it constantly.
Hell, every time I check the mail since I live on a busy highway with a ridiculous amount of semi-trucks, I have to grip the mailbox to stop myself from jumping.
That will never change I’ve always been like this and will stay like this.
When I created this website, I had been wanting to make one for ages and had using sites like weebly (or whatever it is called) when I was younger funny enough, they were also diaries.
It was April 17, 2019 when I decided I was going to make the website. Yes, it’s a clear copy cat site and yes I was planning a very similar suicide at the time except mine would be after college graduation and at my local lake.
I wanted there to be proof that I existed at some point, no one would remember me for that long after I was dead anyways.
I used it as a journal and a creative outlook a place to vent when I felt the need to.
When I decided to make this website, I felt more connected to someone more than I ever thought possible, it was like we shared some of the same thoughts.
During the time of running this site I had come close to committing suicide before my set date most notably October 26th.
I had a noose around my neck I had my notes ready to send and I was tying myself up ready to die, but then I realized I had more cupcakes to eat so I put everything away.
I ultimately decided graduation was too long to wait and set the date for February.
It’s weird I’ve had that date in mind since October and I’m letting it go.
Last night I was dead set and even more motivated to go through with it.
I’m scared to live and I don’t want to I don’t expect to enjoy it and I will still pray of a night to die sooner rather than later.
But my death won’t be at the end of my own scarf tied to a shoe rack, nor will it be with a stomach full of pills.
I hope that one day I will be able to look back on this and say this was the turning point that made my life better, though I know I won’t.
So until the end or I write again I love you all, stay safe, and make the world a better place.