Record of Thoughts

September 28, 2020

Suprise, I'm not dead. I only look that way
There's a lot I need to change on here.

January 17, 2020
Final Entry:
Not for the reason you are thinking

It was too long for this page

October 26, 2019

Long time no write I guess… I really don’t know.
I’ve been meaning to update this site but life has been so busy here recently.
I turned 22 yesterday and holy shit do I feel ancient. It was the second birthday I’ve had where I didn’t want to die the entire time.
Life really seems like its on the up right now
in a way I hope it continues but I’m so scared that it’s going to end.
Right now I’m relapsing with my eating disorder and I’m punching myself a lot but I don’t want to die
I’d actually say I’m happy.
Holy shit I can’t believe I’d say that.
I mean I haven’t sobbed looking in the mirror in a while in fact I’d say I look pretty hot at times.
(what the fuck has happened to me?).
I still think I should kill myself eventually don’t get me wrong this will end eventually and when it does it will be a huge ball of flames I’m not an idiot.

I think maybe my new friend Steven has something to do with it.
We’ve been talking a lot here recently and we’re even planning on going to a ball in a few months.
We get a long really well and have a lot in common even if Rouge One is his favorite Star Wars movie.
I’m really glad we met we talk about a lot of stuff including our mental state and we challenge each others beliefs.
I’m scared I’m going to run him off one day and I’m not sure I could handle that.
He hypes me up a lot and I do my best to hype him up as well.

I keep meaning to re-do my website with what I’ve learned in my web development class and one day I will, I promise.
Although most of it will be behind the scenes in the css.
I’ve been applying to as many colleges as I can for my bachelors although what I really want is to go to mortuary school.

I feel like shit though because I didn’t post about her anyhwhere to mark the 6 months.
I was just pretty down the whole day and didn’t want to think too long about her.
I still feel like I miss her and I don’t think that will ever change.
I wish she was here with us but since she’s not I hope she’s at peace.
This is way too long I’ll end it here now.

October 15, 2019

long time no talk
I've been feeling alright recently
Although I have no clue what I'm doing
no direction in life
I've started streaming some on twitch,
it's pretty fun I'm enjoying it
I think I made a friend at a convetion last week
we might be going to a ball together
who really knows though.
I hope I don't fall for him.
I've lost 9 pound so far in the past month
maybe I'll be skinny again.
there is so much that I want to talk about
to say, but nothing really matters
I've started wondering if I have borderline personality disorder
it's make sense if I did, but who knows?
maybe one day I can see a therapist about it
in less than 30 minutes it'll be 6 months
I don't know what to do. I miss her?
we never met, never spoke
but yet I really miss her
I hope she's at peace.

August 30, 2019

he forgot about me I'm not suprised
everyone does after a while
it hurts but I'll get over it.
It just symbolizes that I need to
start retreating into myself again.
Why bother speaking to people when
they don't actually care about you
at the end of the day?

August 15, 2019

Its been four months since you left.
I never had the chance to talk to you,
the only reason I know about you is because of your death.
I wish you were here, I wish you stuck around.
I wish you were happy.
I hope wherever you are you find happiness.
I feel slightly guilty about being happy today.
The 15th brings me such sorrow usualy now, but I got great news today.
I've got an interview in my dream field, the only thing that's kept me going all this time
I don't think I'll get the job for multiple reasons, but who knows.
Are you smiling down on me is that why I got an invitation for an interview today?
I'll keep you in my thoughts and I hope you're resting easy.
Rest well <3

August 8, 2019

I'm feeling lonely I just want someone to hold me
and tell me that everything is going to be alright
everyday I'm reminded that I thought I would be married by now
all I've got to show for it is a failed engagement and trauma
I keep thinking about my odd taste in people. I mean why the fuck
are my celebrity crushes Buddy Holly, Meg Turney, Fiona Nova, Ryan Haywood,
Shane Madej, and Ryan Bergara? What does that mean for my taste in people?
In really life it leads to me daiting people who aren't traditionally attractive
(read as ussually ugly) I dated a guy for months in high school who I'm pretty sure
showered like twice a month. Why the fuck did I do that?
I guess it's good that the guy that currently makes me blush and smile is currently
in a relationship, because I won't try anything and then I don't have to get my
heart broken when he turns out to be an asshole.

August 1, 2019

The summer semester is finally over
I got my grades back and I'm pretty dissapointed
3 "A"s and 1 "B" meaning my GPA for the semster is
3.75 which means for the first time in my college
career I've made less than a 4.0
my cumulative GPA is 3.967 which isn't horrible
I'm still really dissapointed. All because I failed
my math final. Which I studied so hard for and went into
feeling somewhat prepared only to completly blank.
I hope I can bring my grades up next semester.
I've been thinking about trying to attend flight school
after I finish my computer science degree. I've still got
finicial aid coming in so the money isn't really a problem.
Aviation has been my main passion in life since I first steped on a plane.
So maybe one day I'll attend flight school. Who knows though.

July 24, 2019

I feel weird my head feels all light and fuzzy. I don't know why
I wonder if anything will change once I leave.
I don't think anything would really change.
My family might be sad for a few days but they'd get over it quickly,
I don't really matter to them, I'm just a source of income.
I wonder if people ever think about me and if so what they think
most people probably think of me as a bitch (I am)
I wonder if I've ever made a diffrence in someone's life
I highly doubt it. I need to go through my things I have too much shit.
I need to get rid of at least half of it.
I talk and think about leaving all the time, hell this is a journal to serve
as a reminder that I exist or existed, but I doubt I'll ever do anything.
at the end of the day I'm afraid. I know everything will get worse if I don't
leave but will I trumatize someone when I leave? I can't have that.
I don't want to be here any more I don't want to exist here anymore.

July 24, 2019

I'm so angry all the time, the slightest thing sets me off
I've been over eating again. I'm 114 the last I weighed myself.
I have to break up with a guy I'm not even dating because he thinks we're engaged.
I've got finals in a week and I'd rather die. Truth be told I'd rather die than
do anything. I think I'm in love with my best friend but he's daiting someone else
my family wouldn't be happy if I dated him anyways.
this is all over the place and for that I'm sorry.
I really should be working on my internet security class right now.
I just want to sleep and never wake up.

July 19, 2019

I dyed my hair yesterday, I've now got a mop of green frizz on my head.
I've been procrastinating even more than usual here recently. I don't know why.
I've started fasting at least 16 hours a day and I've lost four pounds this week alone.
Who knows maybe one day I can be skinny again.
I still feel wrong deep down inside and I know that one day I'll do it,
but right now I'm just along for the ride. I do have to wonder
who will miss me when I'm gone because it sure as hell won't be my family.
I feel like this is all some misplaced teenage angst bullshit,
maybe one day I'll grown out of it.
But I've felt like this for as long as I can remeber.

June 28, 2019

I'm tired of feeling alone, out of place.
Sure I'm happy now, but how long until that all comes crashing down?
It never lasts, the only thing I can count on is misery.
I've lived at least 8 years too long, but I'm a coward.
I feel out of time out of place... WRONG I AM WRONG
How do you explan this? Tell those you know?
I sit and pretend to be one of them but I'm not.
I never will be and that is a cruel punishment.

June 10, 2019

I'm so tired. I'm tired of living, tired of the boring routines.
Everyday is the same fucking day. I hate it. I hate everything.
I hate feeling the way I do. The only plus side
is that nothing ever quite feels real.
It feels like those who I care about that are dead are still alive
sure its a gut punch to realise they're dead, but until it snaps toghether
I get to be happy that they're off doing something they love.